Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Thrilling chase underway
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
bros in the example zone 😭
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
In space, no one can hear…
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.