Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.