Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
aura
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie