Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
This is me
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.