Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter