Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*praying for world peace*
God:
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem