Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Möther may I have a snäck
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*