Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I feel seen
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature