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@Smug_Lemur: Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
@lemonmartinis: Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
@ddsmidt: I'd be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
@ch000ch: date: where did u get that, i don't see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
@MikeLonghelt: They told me to spread love wherever I go.
Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.
@geekysteven: [Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
"Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary"