@Smug_Lemur

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

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@tastefactory

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

@Blarebare

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

@junejuly12

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@PAT_E_ROCK

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

@shawnspree

You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.

@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.