Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.