Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
🖤✌🏽
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”