Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

“FRAAANCE!”

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.