Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Straight people are cancelled
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him