Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season