Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do


I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.


If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again


*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*


If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.


Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.