@AbbieEvansXO

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

You Might Also Like

@Jake_Vig

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

@Bob_Janke

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@robfee

If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.

@Maxine12339

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.