Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.