Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
British people
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
hear me out : pockets for your socks