Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.