Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Milk Cube
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator