Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
You Might Also Like
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Something Saturday.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question