Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

All excellent questions

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

My apartment is a mess, I should move

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?