Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
❤️🦆
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?