Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.