Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.