Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.