Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
📽️movie date🎞️
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.