Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

lol