me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…