Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

aesthetic

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

yall want some gasoline milk

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”