me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
You Might Also Like
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
shut up and take my money
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Optional boss fight.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”