ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
WHY?!
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for