Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

😭😭😭

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship