ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
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Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
$3 #books
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Terribly Tuesday.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.