Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Thursday

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

The only good comments section online is on recipes

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

This seems like peak sibling energy

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations