Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee