me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
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My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.