Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

be careful

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

🇺🇸🤭

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.