Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.