me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Ok, but like, how married are you?