Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Sooo many times…..

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot