Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers