Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor