Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.