Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago