Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.