ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
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Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*