Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

shampoo implies shampee

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know