Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Bootstraps
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
classic mixup
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?