Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.