Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.