Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun