Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”