Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Breaking news:

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

The dark side of Canada

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.