Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut