Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

buying dead houseplants to save time

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Lmfaoooooo

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.