ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
the composer
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”