Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine