Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk