Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

I think I’m gonna be sick

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything