Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

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I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.


*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps


4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!

Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly

4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop

Me: I regret reading to you


I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.


“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher


Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.


Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.


I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.