Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
greetings!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Denise please return my vape pen
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*