I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
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*trying to do a quick errand*
Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps
4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!
Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly
4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop
Me: I regret reading to you
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”
-Trojan 911 dispatcher
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.