Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
goldfish mafia
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.