Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.