Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

“What?”
– Jude

I think this might be relevant today.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Encore…

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.