Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.