Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.