Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.