Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”