Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Camping tip: No.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
how to have an accident 101
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
same energy
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.