Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

“Worm Regards”

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Note to self: always read the final line

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!