Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Looking at you, Jesus.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

😭😭😭

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game