Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Me too
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me when I’m ovulating
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.