Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it