Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity