Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

She might be a genius

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.