Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.