Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”