Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Welcome

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Smallpox sounds so adorable

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.