Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no